Universal Truths

Have you ever seen the movie Along Came Polly? It’s a cute romantic comedy starring Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller. In it, there’s a memorable scene in which Ben Stiller’s character, Reuben, destroys the many throw pillows on his bed that were put there by his ex. Feathers fill the air as he rips each pillow to shreds. The scene works because so many can relate to it. Why so many damn pillows?

The male human’s abhorrence of too many pillows is the first of two universal truths we will discuss today. The second? His loathing of wallpaper.

It may seem gutsy of me to characterize these as “universal” truths. In point of fact, I’m sure that some people out there will prove otherwise, but these are most certainly universal truths among my client list. My clients past and present vary in age from early 30’s to early 80’s. When dealing with couples, sometimes he’s the driver, sometimes she is. Oftentimes when she is, she will tell me that anything goes that’s within budget. But I know better. Any partner, even the no-fuss variety, has limits. So when I hear a client tell me that “he won’t care,” I simply raise an eyebrow and think to myself, “yeah right.”

The most important rule in architecture and design is that form follows function. You design a space according to how it should function, not the other way around. But it doesn’t take a degree in architecture to know that too many pillows are annoying. If I want to sit down on the couch to watch TV, or make my bed in the morning and make it to work on time, then I don’t want to have to contend with 12 pillows. Not to mention the fact that maybe the pillows are too expensive to just be chucked on the ground for the dog to chew on…now I have to find a place to put the pillows. In the movie, Reuben does the math and extrapolates that, based on his daily placement of throw pillows on the bed, he wastes a total of 2 days each year. Crazy, right?!

Not so fast. Yes, I agree that too many pillows make no sense, and I am not pro-pillow. However, we are having this conversation because so many people have too many pillows. Why? Pillows are pretty and add texture and personality at almost any price point. They can be layered over time, and there’s no installation fee or commitment. However, just remember that there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Sometimes, it’s just too much. Remember that, and you partner will thank you.

Which brings us to our second truth. Men almost always hate patterned wallpaper. What I find fascinating is that all of my male clients, from the young to the old, say that wallpaper reminds them of Grandma’s house. How can 50 years’ worth of men say this? Some of these people ARE the grandmas and grandpas, aren’t they? It makes no sense! While I am against too many pillows, I am not anti wall paper. Moderation and compromise, though, prove the winning combo to wallpaper negotiation. (Note - the exceptions to this rule are the folks who can afford to and do not mind totally overhauling their decor every couple of years.) Pattern on your walls is a big commitment. In a space like a common area where you spend a great deal of time, you have to really love the pattern a lot and know that you won’t get sick of it. AND it can’t be too trendy as to go out of style in the next 18 months (ikat or banana leaves, anyone?), AND it can’t be super expensive (and even inexpensive wallpaper costs more than a can of paint), AND it has to be installed by someone (more money), AND it will have to be uninstalled when you’re finished with it (more money or a very significant amount of elbow grease). That’s a lot to deal with. Somewhere toward the beginning of that sentence, most people (especially the logically-minded) would say, “I’m out.”

When I have couples, and it happens often, when she wants wallpaper and he doesn’t, I always suggest laundry rooms and/or powder rooms. These two rooms are seen by almost all of your guests, but you will not spend prolonged amounts of time in these spaces in one sitting (hopefully). And while in this day and age it’s certainly not unusual for the guy to do the laundry, it’s not a space that he really cares about. If it’s that or the living room, then by all means, put the wallpaper in the laundry room. And when you do want to change it eventually, that’s typically a smaller space that’s much easier to tackle - logistically and financially.

Almost 100% of the time, when I am hired by someone for a project, the scope of the project will broaden and the design will continue to other parts of the house. As recently as last week, we were finishing up a master bedroom/bath that eventually continued into the kitchen and living room. One day the husband said to me, “Well, we did all this work, and now our guests will use the restroom in our awful powder room. We have to fix it.” Most powder rooms are an architect’s afterthought. A glorified closet that gets pieced into the floor plan where possible. At least a coat closet has to be near the front door. The only requirement for a powder room, most of the time, is that it’s downstairs. That said, almost every guest you have over will likely visit the powder room, alone, where they will have quiet time to check out the scenery. Of course you want it to look nice! It’s a small space all its own, which means the design can be completely separate from the rest of the home, and a small budget can go a long way. Because of this, powder room design leans into artistic flamboyance and away from understated utility. Enter wallpaper. It’s perfect for powder rooms! And even as recently as last week, the same man who spoke to me about doing the powder room, who was previously against any and all wallpaper, was on board with a super fun design for that space, and we were able to work in a wallpaper that his wife had long adored. Everybody wins!

Moderation and compromise aren’t the sexiest words in the dictionary, and they sure aren’t the first words that come to mind as you sit and daydream about your future home with your partner. But take it from me, when it comes to throw pillows and wallpaper at least, they are insightful and wise words to remember. With the money you’ll save on marriage counseling, think of all those pillows you can buy…

“Oh, and by the way, I threw away all your little throw pillows. Yea. Cuz throw pillows suck. They serve no purpose. They’re purely decorative.”

– Ben Stiller as Reuben Feffer in Along Came Polly

Caron Woolsey

When He’s the Driver

This could be a tricky one! As stated many times in previous posts, my focus is to point out the behavioral tendencies that I’ve noticed repeated across my client base; recognizing that we all tend to follow certain patterns in our own unique ways. The goal is to generalize, but not marginalize, and celebrate the finer points of unpredictable discrepancies that define our choices, and ultimately our spaces, as our own.

Overall I think it’s a safe bet to say that women care more about home decor, typically. You can walk past any Pottery Barn and see a man reluctantly being pulled into the store by his girlfriend or wife, while she promises to only look for a minute. Same thing at Target - I’ve seen men follow their wives with trepidation through the aisles of endless wreaths, clocks, dishes and more. The poor guy thought he was there for baby food and diapers, but suddenly he’s picking out new rugs and bed linens. That’s a narrative that we are all pretty familiar with - and after all, it’s Darwinian. We are an evolved species, and these tendencies are born from thousands of years of men hunting for food whilst women gathered supplies and kept the caves. The women nurtured children and created warm environments for their families. Just as it was essential for the alpha male to be the strongest, the fastest, to kill the beast to best provide for his family, it, too, was imperative for the health of the family that the women make a home that was warm, comfortable and safe. And these were the ways that the two sexes, in their own ways, exhibited strength and stability to ensure that their progeny survived and thrived.

When I started decorating, I was really excited to design layouts, choose furniture and place art. Truth be told, that’s the easy part - the much harder part of my job is playing the role of marriage counselor. At first it was dicey - I mean, who am I to get involved in disputes between loving partners? I can barely chart a course through those choppy waters in my own life! Growing up, my mom cared about this stuff a lot, my dad did not, so as long as it was within budget, my dad just went with what my mom picked out. Naively I thought that was how it would go with clients, until I’d had enough clients to realize that much of the time, when the decorator is called, the man is definitely invested in having a house that presents well. Think about it - if the woman, i.e., the one who traditionally wants the house to look nice doesn’t care, then the house doesn’t necessarily look like a magazine, and that’s ok. She doesn’t care, and a lot of guys would thank their lucky stars that they aren’t getting pulled into Pottery Barn like some of their buddies. So when I have to negotiate a truce between partners, it’s much easier for me if I can better understand what (and/or who) is driving their decisions.

In those instances when the guys care, the gals don’t, and I get the call, I have to consider the psychology that prompted that call in the first place. Why does he care since, scientifically speaking, he’s not been wired to care? This happens all the time. I’d say more than half of my clients fit into this category. The answer lies in the motivating factors for desiring a well designed home.

The world has changed. Men don’t leave the house and hunt wild beasts anymore. They leave the house in jeans, scrubs, suits, khakis. They aren’t wielding spears and winning footraces. They have iPhones and laptops, perhaps drive a car or ride the subway. After all, we’ve evolved…or have we? I can’t help but think that the reason the man cares is because a beautifully designed home can be a tangible indicator of success to his peers. It signals that he is “killing it” professionally and in his personal life. And I don’t fault him for it - we all have our thing that we like to take pride in, and it manifests itself differently in all of us. And when I’m able to understand this, I’m able to better empathize with his position. I’ll admit, at first I just thought that these guys were control-freaks and I judged them pretty harshly, but I was wrong. These are guys who care about success, care about their families (at least in my clients’ cases), and still have that primitive need to hunt the proverbial beast and come back to a “cave” worthy of being called home.

By extension, the female counterpart to these males, who seemingly didn’t care about the decor, when pushed, starts to care a bit. Her primitive wiring kicks in and when the ball starts rolling on these design choices, she inevitably develops an idea of what she thinks the cave, er, home should look like and how it should function for the family. While that alpha in him wants sleek and showy, she wants soft and practical. Their motivating factors are entirely different and in conflict with one another, even though they share a common goal - a great home for their family.

To get these couples to the finish line with their relationship intact, it’s important for me to provide selections and counsel as to how and why their choices will satisfy each of their requirements. A magazine-worthy home worth showing off can also be comfortable and functional. Just like in relationships, these designs have to have a shared common ground and balance to keep everyone happy.

While there’s a lot that Mr. Darwin wrote that’s controversial, he got a few things right. And though this was probably meant in a literal sense, Charles would have been wise to apply it to his personal life, too, especially when picking out a new sofa! But would he have thought himself capable?

“It’s not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” - Charles Darwin

Caron Woolsey

Baby Boomers

Baby Boomer, or Boomer, is a term used to describe a person born in the years following World War II, when there was a temporary marked increase in the birth rate. In fairness, this photo likely depicts the parents of Boomers, but their values and experiences played an important role in the values and practices developed by their children.

I’ve been fortunate enough to work with several lovely Boomer couples on their homes, and an interesting dichotomy has been revealed after completion of their projects. With regard to budget relative to net worth, Boomers tend to be at one end of the spectrum or the other, but never in between. My own parents fall into the post World War II category, so in the beginning, my anticipation was that all of my clients that fell into that age group would think similarly; however this is definitely not the case. Because of this, I had to adjust my way of thinking so that I would not do my clients’ a disservice by overgeneralizing their tastes. The patterns of thinking became clear, and once I realized this, I was able to better adapt my way of thinking to better relate to and understand my clients’needs. Let’s go back a step to understand why this generation, based on my observations, makes the choices that they do.

The Baby Boomers were raised by what is now called The Greatest Generation, a term that commonly refers to Americans that were born in the 1900’s through the 1920’s. This generation endured both the Great Depression and World War II. Despite these significant hardships, the Greatest Generation was characterized by sociologist Glen Holl Elder, Jr., as having "an ability to know how to survive and make do and solve problems.” They had to conserve during a time when the country was in a financial sinkhole, and then they had to ration during World War II because the survival of our nation depended on it.

It stands to reason, then, that the Greatest Generation instilled these values of conservation, strength, and fortitude in their children. I can say with confidence about all of my clients, that the Greatest Generation did a great job. All have strong values, a sense of conservation that is driven not from an environmental standpoint, but by a sense that being wasteful is just wrong. All have worked hard, raised children who are successful, overcome hard times, certainly, but persevered to get to where they are today. That said, I’m not so naive as to say that all Baby Boomers are characterized so easily. People who call designers to decorate their homes typically fall into a lofty demographic. I know that. I’m just saying that when it comes to making design choices, my clients have exhibited the aforementioned qualities.

Now the big question is, how do these qualities drive design choices made by Baby Boomers? Here’s where that dichotomy comes into play. They fall into one of two categories:


After a lifetime of conservation and responsibility, a desire to continue that trend, using what they already have or spending as little as possible to spruce up their homes. The accumulation of what their discipline has built is a source of pride not to be squandered. An abundance of collected treasures and inherited pieces have taken over their homes, and the need to buy more seems excessive and overwhelming.


After a lifetime of conservation and responsibility, a desire to get exactly what they want. This is the last place they intend to live, and to hell with it. They want what they want and they’ll spend what they need to to get it. After all, haven’t they earned it?

Who can argue with either position? Both make perfect sense when you think about it. I’ve helped six different Boomer families, now, and all have fallen into one of these two categories. I respect both. My parents are firmly planted in the first category and are in good company. I underestimated my first clients who fell into that second category…but boy did we have fun. :-) The good news is that beauty can be achieved in both scenarios. In the first, the design takes on a distinguished sentimental feel with warm colors, layered textures, and taking the old and making it new again. Re-framing long lost art and finding creative new ways to modernize old treasures. The second is more “on trend” and in keeping with the current color palettes. Comfort is still important, as is practicality in planning for the future.

Personally, I’ve loved working with each and every one of my so called Boomers. They have been gracious and kind, and I treasure my relationships with them. In researching this blog post, I came across a quote from a passage published by the Population Reference Bureau. According to Elwood Carlson, Florida State University professor in sociology of population, “If you understand the difference between generations, it helps you understand yourself better because you understand the context in which your life has unfolded. You understand what distinctive opportunities and problems you have faced and you can find common ground with others in your generation.” Everyone has parents, grandparents, bosses, and employees of other generations they’re trying to understand, Carlson explains. “If you approach them in the same framework as you try to approach your own world, you’re going to be making mistakes. If you want to understand them, you have to understand their generation as well as your own.” My motivation for researching this topic was to better understand the decisions my clients make; however, this knowledge is useful in myriad aspects of life.

So thanks to all of the moms, dads, grandmas and grandpas out there. We are grateful. Now WHAT are we going to do about these Millennials… 

Caron Woolsey