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This could be a tricky one! As stated many times in previous posts, my focus is to point out the behavioral tendencies that I’ve noticed repeated across my client base; recognizing that we all tend to follow certain patterns in our own unique ways. The goal is to generalize, but not marginalize, and celebrate the finer points of unpredictable discrepancies that define our choices, and ultimately our spaces, as our own.
Overall I think it’s a safe bet to say that women care more about home decor, typically. You can walk past any Pottery Barn and see a man reluctantly being pulled into the store by his girlfriend or wife, while she promises to only look for a minute. Same thing at Target - I’ve seen men follow their wives with trepidation through the aisles of endless wreaths, clocks, dishes and more. The poor guy thought he was there for baby food and diapers, but suddenly he’s picking out new rugs and bed linens. That’s a narrative that we are all pretty familiar with - and after all, it’s Darwinian. We are an evolved species, and these tendencies are born from thousands of years of men hunting for food whilst women gathered supplies and kept the caves. The women nurtured children and created warm environments for their families. Just as it was essential for the alpha male to be the strongest, the fastest, to kill the beast to best provide for his family, it, too, was imperative for the health of the family that the women make a home that was warm, comfortable and safe. And these were the ways that the two sexes, in their own ways, exhibited strength and stability to ensure that their progeny survived and thrived.
When I started decorating, I was really excited to design layouts, choose furniture and place art. Truth be told, that’s the easy part - the much harder part of my job is playing the role of marriage counselor. At first it was dicey - I mean, who am I to get involved in disputes between loving partners? I can barely chart a course through those choppy waters in my own life! Growing up, my mom cared about this stuff a lot, my dad did not, so as long as it was within budget, my dad just went with what my mom picked out. Naively I thought that was how it would go with clients, until I’d had enough clients to realize that much of the time, when the decorator is called, the man is definitely invested in having a house that presents well. Think about it - if the woman, i.e., the one who traditionally wants the house to look nice doesn’t care, then the house doesn’t necessarily look like a magazine, and that’s ok. She doesn’t care, and a lot of guys would thank their lucky stars that they aren’t getting pulled into Pottery Barn like some of their buddies. So when I have to negotiate a truce between partners, it’s much easier for me if I can better understand what (and/or who) is driving their decisions.
In those instances when the guys care, the gals don’t, and I get the call, I have to consider the psychology that prompted that call in the first place. Why does he care since, scientifically speaking, he’s not been wired to care? This happens all the time. I’d say more than half of my clients fit into this category. The answer lies in the motivating factors for desiring a well designed home.
The world has changed. Men don’t leave the house and hunt wild beasts anymore. They leave the house in jeans, scrubs, suits, khakis. They aren’t wielding spears and winning footraces. They have iPhones and laptops, perhaps drive a car or ride the subway. After all, we’ve evolved…or have we? I can’t help but think that the reason the man cares is because a beautifully designed home can be a tangible indicator of success to his peers. It signals that he is “killing it” professionally and in his personal life. And I don’t fault him for it - we all have our thing that we like to take pride in, and it manifests itself differently in all of us. And when I’m able to understand this, I’m able to better empathize with his position. I’ll admit, at first I just thought that these guys were control-freaks and I judged them pretty harshly, but I was wrong. These are guys who care about success, care about their families (at least in my clients’ cases), and still have that primitive need to hunt the proverbial beast and come back to a “cave” worthy of being called home.
By extension, the female counterpart to these males, who seemingly didn’t care about the decor, when pushed, starts to care a bit. Her primitive wiring kicks in and when the ball starts rolling on these design choices, she inevitably develops an idea of what she thinks the cave, er, home should look like and how it should function for the family. While that alpha in him wants sleek and showy, she wants soft and practical. Their motivating factors are entirely different and in conflict with one another, even though they share a common goal - a great home for their family.
To get these couples to the finish line with their relationship intact, it’s important for me to provide selections and counsel as to how and why their choices will satisfy each of their requirements. A magazine-worthy home worth showing off can also be comfortable and functional. Just like in relationships, these designs have to have a shared common ground and balance to keep everyone happy.
While there’s a lot that Mr. Darwin wrote that’s controversial, he got a few things right. And though this was probably meant in a literal sense, Charles would have been wise to apply it to his personal life, too, especially when picking out a new sofa! But would he have thought himself capable?
“It’s not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” - Charles Darwin